


Remnants

by zhgyin (feihart)



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Adultery, Angst, Cheating, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, Maybe straight up cheating ahaha
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-12
Updated: 2016-06-12
Packaged: 2018-06-08 06:18:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6842305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/feihart/pseuds/zhgyin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's the trying matters of fixing a broken relationship that exhausts him...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Remnants

**Author's Note:**

> Cross-posted from AFF zhgyin. This is an old fic. Last year I think. I didn't check. Might have made a few minor changes before posting again. Nothing too dramatic. As much as I'd like to, I can't change the story haha.

Baekhyun decides to stop pacing and plops himself on the messy pile of sheets on the bed, the mattress giving way under his weight. He gathers air in his cheeks, puffing them out like how a squirrel gathers nuts. He releases the air, followed by a sigh before running a frustrated hand through his hair. He turns on his stomach to glance at the clock on the bedside table: it is 11:06PM, and Chanyeol still hasn't shown up. It's been happening a lot lately, that Chanyeol doesn't come home until the wee hours of the morning, when Baekhyun is fast asleep, and they barely have time to spend together before he leaves in the morning.

Baekhyun is restless, a fear plaguing his thoughts: is Chanyeol cheating on him? Baekhyun knows Chanyeol hasn't done or said anything that would warrant such an accusation, but this crushing pressure of his heart tells him he should be worried. His mom has always told him to trust his instincts, to trust his heart. He just knows something is going on, even though he's never seen it.

He notices the way Chanyeol has grown distant. Lately, Baekhyun feels like he's been pouring vast amounts of energy into their relationship to keep it afloat, trying to keep up the conversation, but half the time, Chanyeol isn't even listening, just nodding along to whatever Baekhyun is saying. Baekhyun has stopped trying to hold up the conversation, their discussions reduced to "how was your day?", "it was good", until the conversations stopped altogether.

He lies on his back clutching the sheets and closes his eyes, listening for any sign of Chanyeol. He hears the whirring of the heater working, the draft coming in through the window Chanyeol left open, the drip drip of the kitchen sink. He hears the rattling of keys coming from the other side of the entrance door, metal against metal, and Baekhyun knows it's Chanyeol finally arriving home. 11:09PM. He's early.

"I'm home," Chanyeol's deep voice booms. A greeting―he's in a good mood, Baekhyun notes. He shuffles about in the living room and the kitchen, throwing his keys on the counter. Baekhyun can hear his heavy footsteps coming closer to the room. He turns around so his back is facing the door, feigning sleep: he doesn't want to see him dishevelled.

Chanyeol pokes his head in their shared bedroom and scans the bed, finding his husband tangled in the sheets. He grins, glancing at the clock: 11:11PM. "I know you're not asleep."

Baekhyun resists the urge to sigh dejectedly, but pauses a long time before lowly answering, "But I'm tired." And he is. He's tired of feeling this way, so disconnected from his partner, so full of doubt.

"I'm tired too, babe," he says, making his way to the bed and giving Baekhyun a light kiss on the cheek. Chanyeol pulls away before he can notice Baekhyun stiffen at the contact.

Chanyeol goes to the joined bathroom, closing the door behind him. Baekhyun hears the tap running for a long time, then the harsh scratching of a toothbrush against teeth. He waits.

When he comes out, he's wearing a plain white t-shirt and blue-striped pyjama pants, having left his suit and tie in the bathroom for Baekhyun to pick up in the morning, as is custom. He walks over to his dresser, putting his expensive jewellery in their proper place. Knowing he is tired, he doesn't expect Baekhyun to speak.

"New cologne?"

Chanyeol slowly turns to look at Baekhyun, who hasn't moved an inch from his original position in which he had found him. "Uh," he says thoughtfully, pursing his lips. "Yeah."

Baekhyun nods.

Chanyeol never wears cologne.

 

~

 

Everything reminds him of who they were.

There's not one space in the house that has been left untouched by either one of them, whether it was to fix, clean or occupy. It is safe to assume every surface has been laid upon, its cold touch lingering on Baekhyun's skin even as he thinks about where they made love.

Making love. They were in love once, Chanyeol and he. High school sweethearts who knew nothing but each other and cared only for one another. He remembers his senior year when they got voted for the "couple who'll most likely get married", and after two long years, they did get married. They were young and reckless and in love, and Baekhyun can't help but wonder if they went too fast. He isn't so sure they're in love anymore.

  
Baekhyun sits on the living room couch, from where he can see the open kitchen on his left, the counters and the island rising; on his right, the foyer, crowded with dirty sneakers; and if he looks behind him, he can see their bedroom door cracked open.

Curiously, he feels like a stranger in his own apartment, even as every corner of it holds a memory dear to him.

"Baekhyun." Baekhyun starts when he hears Chanyeol's grave voice, his heart racing as he finds the man crouched in front of him, his face mere inches away from his own.

"Hi," he greets meekly. The corner of Chanyeol's mouth twitches slightly upwards, then he gets up and walks to the kitchen. Baekhyun's eyes follow him as he rummages through the refrigerator, removing ingredients which he sets on the counter to make himself a sandwich. He doesn't offer to make one for his husband.

Baekhyun notices the nervous energy in the room, but it might just be coming from him. "How was your day?" he asks, more out of habit than actual interest. And as is custom, Chanyeol replies, "Same as any other day."

The silence that follows is almost palpable.

Same as any other day. The words hit Baekhyun like a ton of bricks every time he hears them.

Baekhyun makes his way to the kitchen and stands near Chanyeol, his body swaying with awkwardness. The taller notices, and only now glances at Baekhyun. "What are you doing?"

Baekhyun stays silent, staring at the creases on Chanyeol's dress shirt. Chanyeol was going to repeat his question when Baekhyun suddenly wraps his arms around his torso, embracing him. Baekhyun's heart is pounding. He's afraid Chanyeol will brush him off. Instead, after a long moment, he puts his arms around Baekhyun and mutters, " _Aigoo_ , did you miss me, pup?"

Usually, Baekhyun would have jumped up and down and proven why that nickname belongs to him, but he can't find it in himself to deliver his usual I missed you. _I miss us_.

Not trusting his mouth, Baekhyun nods into his chest.

 

~

 

Hours later, Baekhyun can't even remember what their dispute was about. Often, their arguments are over trivial things Baekhyun will stress the importance of, whereas Chanyeol will shrug it off, accusing him of overreacting. He had separated himself from Chanyeol to avoid bickering, but mostly to not look like an idiot in front of his husband. Chanyeol has a mighty temper, his words often treading on fine lines. He knows just which buttons to push to make Baekhyun want to scream and walk away from their heated discussions, even though he makes for a valiant fighter himself.

Isolated in his room, his hands clasped together staring at the wall, Baekhyun wonders why he's avoiding Chanyeol when this time it's Chanyeol who exaggerated his anger. Despite that, he smiles to himself: it's comforting to know they still fight like an old married couple, just when their relationship is getting old. He pushes himself off the bed and grabs the full dirty laundry basket in the closet and drags it to the hallway. He stops in front of the living room, where Chanyeol is watching television. Baekhyun is surprised he hasn't left, and scoffs to find him sitting in the most unattractive position: he's slouched on the sofa, his legs spread wide open with his feet on the glass coffee table, a beer in his left hand. He doesn't flinch when he hears Baekhyun scoff, just grabs another piece of chicken from the box and starts tearing at it. If there's one thing that peeves Baekhyun, it's when people pretend they didn't have an argument with him. Chanyeol doesn't even acknowledge him.

"I'm doing the laundry. Let's call a truce," he says impatiently, placing a fist on his hip. Their arguments are usually resolved themselves quickly, ending mostly when Chanyeol apologizes to Baekhyun and admits he's in the wrong, even when he's not, followed by Baekhyun's apologies. Like most times, he would prefer not to have to be the first to apologize. Baekhyun notices Chanyeol isn't in a very forgiving mood these days, picking fights every time he sees him.

Chanyeol contemplates his words and nods, grimacing wickedly at his husband. "I'll try not to eat all of the chicken." He smiles mockingly, and Baekhyun flips him off, which doesn't faze Chanyeol. He would have laughed at Baekhyun's attempt to be vulgar, but as he enters the room, he remarks that laughter is strange and unfamiliar in this apartment. Even though they've ceased fire, he feels it doesn't belong with the tense and nervous energies.

Curious, Baekhyun pokes his head out of the door to peer at Chanyeol, who shoos him away to do the laundry. Baekhyun scowls at him before closing the door behind him. "Make sure you empty the pockets," Chanyeol says loudly. Baekhyun scoffs and dumps the contents of the basket on the floor, picking up items he notes are mostly Chanyeol's, and checks the pockets before throwing them into the washer, putting the whites apart. His thoughts wander back to their first date after Chanyeol had asked him to be his boyfriend as he mindlessly empties Chanyeol's pants and jackets of old receipts and candy wrappers. It took Baekhyun a long time to say yes to Chanyeol, seeing as he was just as much the troublemaker back then as he is now. But he was stubborn and persistent, and so he agreed because otherwise, he wouldn't have left him alone.

It was on the 18th of December 2010 Chanyeol had made Baekhyun wait for him outside, in front of the Sous-Sol, an underground music venue, at a record minus forty degrees Celsius with wind factor. He had bothered to check the weather that morning, but obviously Chanyeol had not. Knowing how much of a music fan Baekhyun was, and being a dabbler in music himself, Chanyeol had planned for Baekhyun to be the first spectator of his first extra cheesy composition he wrote in honour of him saying yes. Baekhyun scoffed after he had finally let him inside, but remembers secretly enjoying the gesture. "You're not half bad," he had commented after the performance, when they were sitting at the bar sipping on their hot drinks.

"Thanks, boyfriend," Chanyeol had responded before he slyly said, "You know what I'm better at?" Baekhyun was going to joke he couldn't possibly have imagined Chanyeol being good at anything at all, but his teasing was lost when he had leaned in to kiss him. Baekhyun remembers his mind going absolutely blank and his muscles stilling, his entire body filling with an unfamiliar warmth when Chanyeol pulled him closer. Baekhyun smiles at the memory he labels their first 'official' kiss, which Chanyeol used to find cute.

Baekhyun felt something crawl in his hand, thinking Chanyeol had picked up another stray bug, as is his habit, and shoved it in his pocket to give it a makeshift home. He starts and drops everything, seeing no proof of an insect. A piece of paper falls from his hands. Written on it in big, recognizable letters is, "Best night ft. K". He crouches to pick it up and rereads the message aloud, then turns it over. Baekhyun's heart stops, his eyes wide, his mouth dry, a cold shiver running down his spine. The shock hits him harder than he thought it would. It hits him so hard, he falls back, sitting down, his eyes not leaving what turns out to be a picture Baekhyun does not want to see.

The last person Baekhyun wants to talk to enters the laundry room, asking him if he's seen his favourite jacket that might've been in the basket. When Baekhyun doesn't answer, Chanyeol asks, "What are you doing?" Baekhyun puts down his hand, crumpling the picture. It's silent a long time before he clears his throat and picks up random papers and wrappers lying on the floor he had removed from his jackets.

"These receipts," he says, his voice weak, not turning to face Chanyeol. "You bought so much candy. You'll get sick."

Chanyeol scoffs. "I didn't eat them all by myself." Baekhyun clenches his fist. He has no doubt. "Besides," Chanyeol stands straight and confident, tapping his stomach with a grin on his face. "I have a stomach of steel. Which reminds me, there's left over chicken if you want some."

Baekhyun doesn't register what he says. His mind and body are working in slow-motion, his senses feeling drowned and overwhelmed, his heart beating erratically.

He gets up and brushes past Chanyeol, who says something sounding concerned and asking the whereabouts of his favourite jacket. Chanyeol watches Baekhyun disappear into their room, then come out wearing his coat. He doesn't spare him a glance as he walks to the foyer and slips on his shoes. "Don't wait up for me," Baekhyun says, then slams the door. Chanyeol doesn't follow him.

Baekhyun walks down the corridor, the electric buzzing of the light bulbs following him to the elevator. He decides he doesn't have the patience to take the elevator down; it would just give him time to think, but Baekhyun is trying to run away from his thoughts. He takes the stairs down and heads out, not bothering to greet the receptionist as he usually does. The cold of the night bites the skin of his hands, so he shoves them in his pockets. He realizes he's still clutching tightly to the picture, which he crumpled in anger. He stops and takes it out to take a good long look at it, to make sure his eyes had not deceived him in the laundry room. They hadn't. The Polaroid is a grainy image of two men kissing, one of them Chanyeol, the other one, he notes bitterly, not Baekhyun. Something about the glint in his eyes tells him this isn't the first kiss they've shared, and something about the smile on Chanyeol's lips locked to another man's seems so genuine it hurts his heart, because he doesn't remember Chanyeol ever smiling like that when they kissed, not even when they were dating, or when they were engaged, and certainly not after they got married.

He has been trying hard to hold back tears, but the effort brings them streaming down his face. He doesn't care that people are looking at him sideways, wondering why a grown man is crying by himself. Baekhyun is usually right about a lot of things, but this is one thing he wanted to get wrong.

Chanyeol is cheating on him. He doesn't care that he hasn't told him, or has distanced himself as a result of his adultery. The only question Baekhyun has left is why?

 

~

 

Baekhyun is glad he stored his precious items in the room; it means he doesn't have to leave the bedroom and cross Chanyeol, whom he can't quite face just yet.

Last night, Baekhyun had told Chanyeol not to wait up for him, though he doubted he would have. And he hadn't.

After he had left the apartment, he had wanted to stay away. He'd wanted time to wallow in his sorrows, opting to go to a bar to drink them away, but his heart hadn't been up for it. He had walked halfway across the city towards a friend's house before turning back, knowing his friend would have asked him what happened. If Baekhyun didn't have to say it, then maybe he could delay having to confront the truth a while longer.

Of course, he hadn't stayed away for long. It was 3AM when he'd found himself back at the apartment. He had trudged lightly, trying to make himself invisible, hoping to avoid a run-in with Chanyeol. As he'd opened the door, Baekhyun had found out his efforts were in vain: Chanyeol wasn't home. He stood in the living room and swept his eyes over pictures and items that held only lies and represented false love before he fell on his bed, defeated and exhausted.

When he woke up this morning, he was dishevelled, his body numb from walking and crying. As he sat in bed, he was suddenly overwhelmed by the great desire to find the first real gift Chanyeol ever gave him, in which were scribbled some cheesy movie quotes full of promises neither of them kept.

Baekhyun now finds himself rummaging through the storage bins he'd stuffed in the closet. He's looking through the last one, not being able to locate it. Just when he's about to give up, Baekhyun feels the hard edge of the wooden box and puts his fingers around it, securing it, then pulls it out of the bin. He pays little attention to the content he's spilled, but focuses only on the blue-painted box in his hand. Scribbled on its surface is Chanyeol's messy attempt at a heart, their initials in the centre.

It's the box that once held their promise rings, a box that still holds so much meaning to Baekhyun.

Baekhyun turns the box over, reading the familiar lines and Chanyeol's responses.

 

 

_Tell me you love me now. /I love you now. I love you always. (Meet Joe Black, 1998)_

" _Yes, yes, yes, yes. I promise I do._ "

_On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate the happiness of your marriage? (Mr. & Mrs. Smith, 2005)_

" _3 492, and we're not even married….Yet._ "

_Pardon my lips. They find joy in the most unusual places. (A Good Year, 2006)_

_"Remember when I said this to you and you immediately saw through it? How was I supposed to know you'd seen the movie? AHAHA."_

_You're the first boy I ever kissed, [Baek], and I want you to be the last. (Sweet Home Alabama, 2002)_

" _OK, this may be a bit of a stretch, but I do want you to be the last. And once we're married, it'll be perfect every time._ "

 

 

Back then, Chanyeol had been obsessed with the idea of getting married. Baekhyun had found it exhausting rather than endearingly annoying, with Chanyeol constantly throwing the idea of marriage at him. Honestly, Baekhyun had cringed every time he'd brought it up, because Baekhyun hadn't wanted to rush anything; they were young and unprepared for that kind of life, Baekhyun reasoned. Knowing this, Chanyeol had gotten the promise rings instead.

"Promise me something," he had said, beaming after risking their lives by crossing the busy street when the light had just turned green. He had stopped on the other side, holding Baekhyun's hands tightly between them, their skin exposed to the cold autumn wind. Baekhyun had asked what kind of promise he'd wanted. "We've already endured a lot in our relationship, and the future I want for us probably holds more tough times but―" He'd taken a deep breath. "―I hope being with me is worth it all. I know it is for me. I wouldn't know what to do without you, Baek, so please don't let me go until I'm ready to let you go."

Baekhyun remembers how serious Chanyeol had been, and he rarely ever was. Baekhyun had pursed his lips. When he hadn't said anything, Chanyeol took out the once glossy blue box from his pocket and removed one of the rings, sliding it on one of Baekhyun's fingers and the other on one of his own. Baekhyun hadn't liked the way Chanyeol had worded the promise, but he agreed anyways. In return, he had made him promise to always stay honest with him and love him just as he does.

If Baekhyun had known how useless it was to make Chanyeol promise him anything, he wouldn't have bothered.

 

Baekhyun opens the box now, taking a look at the grooves in which the rings were once placed, and is surprised to find one inside. The silver band glints in the sunlight, its surface polished as if it'd never left the box.

Baekhyun feels like he's been slapped. Do the rings mean nothing to Chanyeol? Have they ever meant anything? When had he put his back in the box? Baekhyun grips the box tightly, his expression solemn and angry. He's hurt, insulted, feels rejected, but most of all he's embarrassed. He looks at his own ring, the date of their promise engraved on its surface and is embarrassed to find out that, despite all of their troubles, he is the only one still wearing his.

For the first time since last night, Baekhyun leaves his room. He stands near the bedroom door, suddenly frozen when he sees Chanyeol resting on the couch after a long day of work. He fidgets nervously, turning the ring over in his right hand and gripping the box in his left hand. Somehow, Baekhyun resists the urge to scream and charge at Chanyeol and slowly walks towards the couch, his head low. Chanyeol looks at his husband without saying a word, but notices his tense steps as he makes his way forward, as if he is trying hard not to explode.

All of Baekhyun's actions are slow and careful. He puts the box down on the coffee table, and when he straightens himself, his eyes are cloudy and his expression unreadable. Neither of them moves until Chanyeol decides to sit up, finding Baekhyun hovering over him creepy.

"What?" he ventures, but his face tells Baekhyun he doesn't really care. Baekhyun's lips set themselves in a thin, pale line. He gently grabs Chanyeol's left hand and almost drops it, the contact feeling foreign. Baekhyun holds his lover's gaze a long time before he brings the ring forward and slips it on Chanyeol's index finger, unbothered that it didn't go all the way to the base.

"I―" Baekhyun shudders, as if talking to Chanyeol had become the hardest thing for him to do now. He tries to keep his voice even as he says, "You may have broken your vows, but I'll keep my promise to you."

He averts his eyes, looking at everything but at Chanyeol's stoic face. Finally he clears his throat and drops Chanyeol's hand, taking wary steps back into his bedroom.

Baekhyun thinks he sees Chanyeol's face transform as he closes the door, slowly enough to see him pick up the box and open it. Instead of finding Baekhyun's ring like he had expected, Chanyeol finds the Polaroid picture he had been looking to remove the other day, crumpled and abused.

 

 

 

Baekhyun holds in his hands a picture dear to him. He remembers when it was taken, who was there, what happened next, and the events that happened prior to the photo being taken. Not long after that, he'd had it developed, captivated by the genuine expressions on their faces. Chanyeol and he were facing each other in the picture, mere inches away, both sporting wide smiles. Baekhyun smiles himself, but it quickly fades. It only manages to remind him of the Polaroid picture in which Chanyeol's happiness almost matches the one in this picture, except his smile doesn't quite reach his eyes with Baekhyun.

Baekhyun hasn't seen this picture in a long time. He had found it slipped under the bedroom door, which he takes care to lock when Chanyeol is around. He's been able to avoid him, opting to take refuge in his room. He's noticed, however, that Chanyeol happens to be home more often than not, lurking around the bedroom door when he is. Every time Baekhyun hears him near, he holds his breath, but Chanyeol has never forced his way in, had never demanded he let him in. The only time Chanyeol had spoken, he'd said, "Let me explain". Baekhyun never opened the door to listen.

Though Baekhyun hasn't seen the picture in a while, he remembers what had happened to it. It was during an argument, when Chanyeol had threatened to leave. Upset, Baekhyun had taken Chanyeol's clothes from the closet, trinkets on the dresser and a duffel bag and had thrown them at his feet, daring him to leave. Chanyeol hadn't stopped him when Baekhyun threw his things at him. He'd crouched down to pick up a torn picture, the one Baekhyun is holding now. He must've torn it when he'd picked it up on the dresser. It was their favourite picture of them. Chanyeol had turned it over and read what was written. _I'm happy with you, Chanyeol_. There were both silent a long time before Baekhyun said, "We can fix it." On the verge of tears, he'd said again, "We can fix this." The other had finally looked up at him with sad eyes, with an expression that told him Chanyeol had already given up a long time ago.

Baekhyun is snapped out of his reverie when he hears something shatter on the other side of the door.

He looks at the picture and passes a hand over it. The tear is still visible under the tape Chanyeol used to put it back together. He turns it over to see a new message written in the giant's sloppy handwriting underneath his. _We can fix this. I'll give you your happiness back_.

Silence, the sound of the heater running, the shuffling of muffled footsteps heard from the other side of the door. A shadow passes over Baekhyun.

Baekhyun slowly makes his way to the door and opens it, then steps out of the bedroom. On the floor near the kitchen, Baekhyun can see the skeleton of a broken plate next to a pile of its shattered pieces, and the handle of a broomstick moving back and forth.

"It's broken," Baekhyun remarks. A crouched Chanyeol pokes his head up and freezes. He slowly gets up.

"Sorry," Chanyeol says, averting his eyes. Baekhyun stares at him.

"What are you doing?" Baekhyun asks finally, his voice hoarse and tense after a prolonged silence. Chanyeol notices the picture in Baekhyun's hand. He looks up to meet his eyes, which are filled with a bitterness he should have expected, but hadn't.

Chanyeol opens his mouth, but closes it, biting on his bottom lip nervously. He clears his throat to regain some composure, straightening his back and rising to his full height. "I'm picking up the pieces."

Baekhyun almost wants to laugh. How stupidly metaphorical of their relationship, he thinks, if there were any pieces left to grasp. He shakes his head. "Why? This―" he gestures to the two of them, his arms travelling in large circles. "is a mess you can't fix."

Baekhyun could even see through Chanyeol's cajoling act from behind the closed bedroom door: if he thinks a few good words and some clean space will make Baekhyun forgive him, he is mistaken. He is not as easily swayed into forgiveness as he had been at the beginning of their relationship, sweet nothings enough to make him reconsider why he was upset to begin with. Baekhyun strongly wants to believe his resolve has grown solid.

Chanyeol says nothing. Baekhyun notices his grip on the Swifter broomstick tighten as he leans his weight into it. He purses his lips and nods, as if saying to himself he'll try again later, then continues to sweep the floor. A fiery anger takes hold of Baekhyun; he's been carefully walking around like a bomb waiting to explode, and finally, something at his very core snaps.

"Is that it?" He almost screams, struggling to keep his voice even. Baekhyun slowly steps towards Chanyeol, who rises to his full height again upon seeing him approach. Baekhyun continues. "You cheat on me, give me the biggest heartbreak, disregard my feelings, and all you can do is nod?" Baekhyun pushes away the broom without much effort, the plastic clattering to the floor. Chanyeol towers over Baekhyun, regarding him with a distant expression. Baekhyun stands close to Chanyeol, his head hung low. He refuses to look up, to let Chanyeol see that tears are threatening to spill as his body shakes with disdain. Baekhyun steps forward, twisting his wrist as he grips the taller one's navy dress shirt. "How can you look me in the eye and pretend nothing happened―" He hiccups, gritting his teeth as he wills the tears back and forces the words out of his mouth."How can you throw away your vows and break every promise you've ever made to me..." Baekhyun's voice trembles as the tears come streaming down his face. He leans his forehead against Chanyeol's chest, his grip strong, desperately trying to cling to the safety being near him once held.

He stays quiet a long time, the tension growing with each beat of silence, Chanyeol matching it with a curious silence of his own. Baekhyun can't imagine his expression as he finally moves, wrapping his arms around the smaller man. They stay there a long time, neither of them moving, Baekhyun noting how he's stupidly taking comfort in Chanyeol's embrace.

"I'm sorry," comes Chanyeol's gruff voice, so lowly Baekhyun almost doesn't recognize it. Immediately, Baekhyun pushes Chanyeol away, stepping on the broken ceramic,the taller balancing himself against the island counter to prevent falling.

"Sorry?" Baekhyun hears the shrillness of his own voice as it rises. He steps back, ignoring the pricking under his feet as Chanyeol's apology hits him like a ton of bricks, suddenly leaving him winded. "You're sorry?" He spits, the words foreign on his own tongue and unbefitting of Chanyeol anymore.

Baekhyun doesn't know what to do. He's torn between picking up objects and flinging them around the house and screaming at Chanyeol, both nice displays of his turmoil, but he does neither. When Chanyeol moves, Baekhyun growls at him to stay away as he backs towards the room. He stops near the door. "Why?" he croaks, his vision blurred from crying. "Why did you do it? Did I not love enough for the both of us?"

Chanyeol stares. "Baekhyun―" He starts, but doesn't add anything.

"Fine." Baekhyun already knows the answer. He doesn't want to hear it. "Then I'll leave." He turns around and slams the door to the bedroom and leans against it, his legs giving way as he slumps to the floor.

He hears Chanyeol's heavy footsteps come closer to the door, then silence. Baekhyun quickly reaches over his shoulder to lock the door. Chanyeol doesn't try to open it. Despite his terribly loud heartbeat, Baekhyun hears the cracking of his joints as he crouches on the other side of the door, a pause. Chanyeol sighs.

Baekhyun hears a sharp, metallic clink and looks down to find Chanyeol's promise ring, the one Baekhyun had given back to him. Is this Chanyeol's way of telling Baekhyun to leave? Of telling him their relationship is over? But all it does is remind him of the promise he made himself.

This time, Baekhyun screams.

 

~

 

Baekhyun likes chrysanthemums. When he was young, he lived in the same building of a flower shop. If he went downstairs, he could always find his neighbour crouching in his garden, hacking away at weeds and taking care of his flowers. Baekhyun had loved visiting the garden. There were crazy assortments of all kinds of wildlife, from tulips to Venus flytraps, all plants Baekhyun found fascinating. The gardener would handle each one with a gentleness so rare Baekhyun would always find himself imitating when he passed his hand through the bushes around the garden.

His favourites are chrysanthemums. Customers usually hate the smell of chrysanthemums, finding it earthy, bitter and antiseptic but Baekhyun doesn't mind it at all. To him, they smell like Fall, cool, woodsy and fresh, and the odour brought with it precious memories. Memories of rainy days spent inside helping his neighbour make bouquets, and of an orange-haired boy whose mischievous grin he can see when he closes his eyes.

"What's this flower?" the boy had asked, pointing to the book Baekhyun had been reading.

"The chrysanthemum," Baekhyun had replied coolly, reading the title of the page in the Herbal Life book. "It symbolizes joy and optimism. They're the November birth flower―"

"I'm born in November!" Chanyeol had interjected cheerfully.

"―the official flower of Chicago and the thirteenth wedding anniversary flower." Baekhyun had gone on as if Chanyeol hadn't interrupted. "In Japan, the 'Festival of Happiness' is held yearly to commemorate the blooming of the chrysanthemum, representative of perfection. It's said that a single petal of this flower placed at the bottom of a wine glass will encourage a long and healthy life."

"Huh," Chanyeol said, waking up from having feigned falling asleep from boredom, his bright curls bouncing as he straightened himself. "All I really got out of that is I'm born in November, therefore I am perfect."

Baekhyun had rolled his eyes.

"So, here," Chanyeol had said when they were fifteen, at the deceased florist's reception one particularly gloomy August day. He produced a fresh bouquet of chrysanthemums and handed them to Baekhyun. "Joy and optimism―for the future and stuff. And because they're your favourites."

 

When Baekhyun is stressed, he likes to go the local flower shop and quite literally smell the roses. It brings him back to simpler times, to happier times―to times when Chanyeol and he were still friends.

Baekhyun opens his eyes. He sighs, thinking he's thought enough for one day. Drowning himself in the past doesn't make him feel as great as he'd once thought. He takes a solemn breath. His nostrils are hit with a fresh, earthy odour reminiscent of his days spent at the flower shop. All these thoughts of flowers has him thinking he is in a garden.

He sits up in the bed, the blanket folding against him. For a moment, he stares at the white bedroom door. He cocks his head and blinks, wondering if he's seeing right. On the door is stuck a white chrysanthemum, identifiable by its yellowish centre and the green stem. Next to it is what seems to be a note.

Baekhyun gets up and walks to the door. He stares at the flower quickly and resists the urge to smile because Chanyeol remembers. He grabs the folded paper and opens it. In it is written a simple request:

_“Sorry" cannot change the past but can change the future.”_  
_― Sladjana Savić_

_Please don't give up on us._

Baekhyun purses his lips, unsure of how he should feel. He doesn't want to feel. Should he entertain the idea that Chanyeol still loves him? Then why cheat on him?

"This is a big request," he murmurs, dropping the note on the dresser. He untapes the chrysanthemum from the door and opens the door, making his way to the kitchen. He takes a cup and fills it with water, placing the flower in it then setting it aside.

Chanyeol has yet to apologize. And what is Baekhyun to do if he does? If he doesn't? Baekhyun doesn't even have the energy to get mad at Chanyeol. He thinks the fight is all out of him and now he's just tired, feeling like he deserves a nice drink.

Joy and optimism, he thinks as he takes out a wine glass and rummages through the cupboard for red wine. He returns to the chrysanthemum and plucks out a petal, dropping it to the bottom of the glass. He pours himself some wine and drinks to a long and healthy life.

  
He doesn't think he can do thirteen years of this, not when he's barely survived two.

 

~

 

Baekhyun enters the house with flowers and flops himself on the couch after a tiring day of work. An unexpected parade had shown up, making a show just to deliver flowers to him. It was more embarrassing than romantic. He'd suffered a lot of teasing from his colleagues. "I didn't know your husband was such a romantic," they'd said. "Me neither," he'd wanted to reply, but he kept to himself. Worse when Chanyeol revealed himself and had offered to take Baekhyun out for lunch. He had a short break so they went to the vendor across the street. Chanyeol tried to engage Baekhyun in conversation, but it had felt mostly forced on his own part. He couldn't focus on half the words Chanyeol was saying and he'd felt very uncomfortable, as if he hadn't wanted to be next to his own husband.

Last night, when he'd talked to Luhan and Jongdae, Luhan had told him to be careful, to be wise, to be considerate. "You're unhappy, the both of you. And this relationship may not be the healthiest for either of you."

Baekhyun knows he's right, but what is he to do?

"It's up to you," Jongdae had said, all jokes and affronted demeanours aside. Baekhyun had never dreaded those words more than he had yesterday. He knows what he should do, but will it break him to do it?

Baekhyun lies on the couch thinking and not thinking, but his restless nights doing just so are catching up to him now. He falls asleep on the couch.

He awakes hours later when Chanyeol returns home, but he feigns sleep. He hears Chanyeol shuffle, his steps becoming heavier as he nears the couch. He sits down in front of Baekhyun, and Baekhyun has to be very careful as to not give away that he's not sleeping.

"I know you're not sleeping," Chanyeol whispers as he strokes a strand of hair away from Baekhyun's face. Baekhyun tries hard not to grimace: is he so easy to read? Or is Chanyeol just that well tuned to him, a testament to their years together? Baekhyun doesn't want to think about it like that. He continues to pretend. "But you're tired," he continues, tucking the strand behind his ear. Chanyeol releases a shaky breath and holds one of Baekhyun's hands, slipping his fingers through his and interlacing them. Baekhyun can hear the parting of Chanyeol's lips, as if he's having a hard time deciding what he wants to say. "I'm still in love with you," he says finally, and so lowly Baekhyun has to strain to hear, but he wishes he hadn't heard. "But..." A pause, a regretful one. _But, but, but_ is all Baekhyun can focus on. Chanyeol kisses Baekhyun's hand, whispers into it, "I'm sorry. Tomorrow will be better." He plants a second kiss, then walks away from Baekhyun. Baekhyun waits to hear the click of the study door before opening his eyes.

I'm still in love with you. It's what he's wanted to hear for so long. Chanyeol had said it with so much sincerity that Baekhyun almost dropped his act and pulled him close, but the sinking of his heart into his stomach had stopped him. _But, but, but_ is all Baekhyun can focus on. He feels as if he should cry but no tears are shed.

"Be careful," Luhan's words ring into his ears. "It's the little things that will bring you back together."

He's right. One small sincere apology for a big mistake and Baekhyun is ready to let Chanyeol into his arms again.

Baekhyun shudders, unable to move. He closes his eyes again, hoping to return to his slumber.

"Tomorrow," Baekhyun tells himself as sleep drowns his senses. "Definitely tomorrow."

 

~

 

Baekhyun is nervous.

He fiddles with his thumbs, alternating between chewing the head of his fingers and turning them in his hands while his heart repeatedly sinks to his stomach. He's been feeling this way since he woke up this morning. Not just since _this_ morning, he admits. With every touch Chanyeol laid and every word he'd said, Baekhyun recognizes that he's been feeling his insides shrivel for months.

He had tried to take a nap to calm himself down, but knew he didn't want to be caught off-guard when Chanyeol comes home. Since he's too agitated, staying still isn't an option.

Baekhyun paces in the kitchen, where the apartment lays open to him. He slowly sweeps his eyes across the apartment. Not a chair out of place or any garbage littering the floor. Everything looks impersonal, bleak, as if none of it had ever belonged to him, and he thinks maybe it's best this way.

The rattling of keys makes Baekhyun freeze. Though he knows who it is, a cold shiver runs down his spine. He wants to hide but his feet won't move. Chanyeol pushes the door open. He freezes when he sees Baekhyun. His eyes shift momentarily before he slowly steps inside and closes the door behind him; Baekhyun wishes he hadn't.

He takes a deep breath and marches towards the centre island. "Chanyeol," he says, his voice low. Chanyeol sets his bag down by his feet, keeping the other hand behind his back. He straightens himself and gives Baekhyun the once-over. Baekhyun releases a shaky breath, still fiddling with his hands. "Chanyeol," he says again, but the ball in his throat prevents him from saying anything further, from saying what he really _needs_ to say. "Chanyeol," he sighs, resting his hands on the counter. He thinks he's getting pretty tired of his own voice.

"What?" Chanyeol whispers so lowly, Baekhyun is surprised he catches it. He looks up, startled to hear his voice. They stare at each other a long time in silence, neither moving. It takes a lot for Baekhyun to not look away, to keep himself composed. His eyes shift from one of Chanyeol's eyes to the other, searching for something he knows isn't there. He feels cowardly, as if stalling for time when he knows there's none left. I'm still in love with you, Chanyeol had said, but he can't see that through the emotionless front Chanyeol has set up before him. I'm still in love with you, Chanyeol had said, yet he finds him in another man's arms. I'm still in love with you, Chanyeol had said, but Baekhyun knows that hasn't been true for a very long time.

Baekhyun steps around the island and stands in front of it, looking at Chanyeol sadly. He feels the sting behind his eyes warning him of oncoming tears, but fights them back. Baekhyun bites his bottom lip, a nervous habit, then takes another shaky breath.

"Chanyeol," he says for the last time, hoping he sounds resolute. He steps down and slowly walks towards his husband, each footstep weighing more than the last. "I can't do this anymore," he sighs. "W-we can't do this anymore, it's not fair." He motions between the two of them in a small, weak gesture. Baekhyun walks past Chanyeol, not without noticing that Chanyeol isn't following him. He figures there's no point in talking about it, because he can see that Chanyeol has given up too. Baekhyun doesn't look back. He reaches the door, his hand resting on the doorknob. He licks his lips then says, "There's an envelope on the table." He hears Chanyeol release an exasperated breath, but he doesn't look back. "I'm sorry, Chanyeol." It feels weird to be apologizing, yet he finds it fitting. Though he isn't the one who drove the final nail between them, he really is sorry. He's sorry things turned out the way they did. He's sorry he hadn't tried harder. He's sorry he wasn't a good husband. He's sorry, but he doesn't say it again. He opens the door and steps out of the apartment. When he speaks, it's with a finality that crushes his heart, because he's only ever known Chanyeol, and it's hard leaving him.

He is leaving, and the farther he steps away, the more a piece of him leaves him too.

"Goodbye, Chanyeol."

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed it. There were certain feelings I wanted to portray. Dunno how I feel about the ending ahah. Let me know what you thought in the comments. :)


End file.
